My liver just broke up with me...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
