not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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