Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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