I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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