i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
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