kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
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