My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
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