I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
