You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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