My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
