hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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