I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
