i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
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