what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
