you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
