i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
