soooo we both peed the bed last night...
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
