Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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