I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
