Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
