When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
