i don't plan on having that self control this summer
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
