How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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