I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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