hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
