Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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