What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
