WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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