this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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