you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You left your phone here
Wait...
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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