Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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