watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Randomize
