If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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