this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
