the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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