Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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