Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
So vagazzling was a success
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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