i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
My ATM looks so different sober.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
