yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
