yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
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You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
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I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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