I molested 6 butterflies tonight
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Randomize
