I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
