when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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