I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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