One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
