I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
