Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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