my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Randomize
