so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
