My liver just broke up with me...
They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
