I'm jealous of your bromance
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
