i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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