life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
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