You smell like stripper and shame
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Randomize
