Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
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