I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
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She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
My liver just had a heart attack.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
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I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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