When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
