Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
What drink are we having for lunch?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
