I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
So here I am, sexting at work.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
