plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Totally using formspring as an incognito way of making sure that girl from last night wasn't jailbait.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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