Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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