New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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