finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Randomize
